The Beauty in the Struggle

“ Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.” - Alice from Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland.

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, nor do I play one on TV. But they are invaluable members of our society, and I highly recommend seeking a therapist or other mental health professional that meets your unique needs.

The world was turned on its ear between 2020 - 2022. Many of us were forced to sit in solitude. Some of us were forced to sit with people we once loved only to find out life had distracted us from the fact that we were no longer in love. Some of us pivoted or left careers - and others of us lost businesses we genuinely loved. As we started to re-emerge from our bubbles in 2022, I was faced with a new challenge - and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

The Caterpillar

For those who don’t know about the science behind the evolution of caterpillar to butterfly - it’s a mind-blowing event. The first stage of a caterpillar’s life is spent consuming. A ravenous appetite, the larvae eats nearly non-stop until its endocrine system releases a hormone that tells its body that it’s done eating, and time to find a place to pupate. So it goes with humans, too. We’re consumers - of our parents’ moral and value systems, faith systems, familial trauma, doctrine, dogma, societal “norms”, expectations, and the list goes on. Until something happens that causes us to say, “something’s gotta change.”

Every night during the pandemic, my husband and I would sit on our back patio of our Florida home - only 5 miles from the beach. We’d stare up at the stars, palm trees rustling in the wind around us, and plan the future that we actually live today. But it wasn’t always beautiful. In the early part of 2020, I was called on my shit. I was told that I was being manipulative. *GASP!

Moi!? Manipulative?
Why, I never! (Said in my best Scarlett O’Hara voice)

Prior to this event, I’d been doing my inner work, though. Instead of lashing out, I turned inward and asked myself, “Is this true?” And almost immediately, a flood of memories came pouring back of times when guilt and fear had been used to manipulate me throughout my own life. I began to compare those memories to this moment… and guess what… I was being manipulative. This single revelation led me to pour myself into shadow work.

Now before anyone makes assumptions based on the phrase “shadow work” I want to be very clear that this is a psychiatric term. Shadow work refers to the parts of ourselves we ignore, suppress, dislike, and (try to) hide. The work is in bringing to light all of the parts of us we’ve worked so hard to keep hidden. Why? Because if we don’t - they make their way to the surface at the most inopportune times, like right when you start to settle in and think you’re safe in your relationship. Or when you’ve had one hell of a day already, nothing has gone right, and all you want to do is sit in the car, scarf down your Subway veggie sandwich. Instead, all of the veggies come falling out of said sandwich, so you just rage choke the Subway sandwich while screaming, “Can something just fucking go right?!” Yeah, I was that girl.

I was called to the mat, and for a moment, I thought my life was going to be turned upside down yet again. I knew that how I responded was going to make or break the situation, so I dug in, saw that I was in fact the problem, and decided to do the work to really heal.

The Chrysalis

In the chrysalis, acids once used to digest food now begins to digest the caterpillar’s body, turning into an organic goo. Other cells, once dormant in the caterpillar, imaginal cells, can become any type of cell, and are responsible for transforming that goo into the colorful, winged creatures that enchant us as children. It’s a violent process that transforms into something beautiful, and it requires complete surrender on behalf of the caterpillar.

“Surrender” would be an overstatement of my process, at least at first. I like control. Yes, yes… I know. Control is just an illusion. And it’s an illusion I clung to for much of my life.

Daily meditations, “prescribed” by a trusted shaman ensued. Taking the time to simply be, to receive the moments that are in front of us in the present. Grounding exercises, and eventually - shadow work. Into the inner landscape of the terrain that made up my life. Visiting younger versions of myself, learning what it meant to reparent - and then doing the work of reparenting. Earning the trust of the versions of myself that either my parents or I didn’t or couldn’t show up for.

I read books, I journaled, I went to therapy. I danced, and I sang. I learned who I was outside of who I was told to be. I asked the hard questions, like, “why am I here?” And I listened for the answer. It was in the chrysalis that I found the courage to write my story in the hopes that it would help others that could relate to my life. I severed relationships with people that I still love because of the continual toxicity and drama. I learned to let go of what others think of me, little by little, and learned to love all of the aspects of me. Light and dark. The truest representation of turning inward - cocooning for a time until I was ready to emerge. Changed.

The Great Emerging

The imaginal cells have been at work - and they’re now arranged to create some of the most eye-catching creatures among us - the butterfly. But the metamorphosis isn’t quite yet complete. There’s one very important step that gives the butterfly the ability to fly. One more struggle - making its way out of the chrysalis. As the newly-formed butterfly begins to emerge, small movements happen inside the chrysalis. Every movement the butterfly makes as it attempts to make its way out of the chrysalis releases a chemical the butterfly needs to strengthen its wings, helping them to expand. One movement, and then another, again and again. Until finally, the butterfly emerges through the cocoon - wings having strengthened and expanded enough to allow the butterfly to take flight.

I know a lot of people write blogs like this after they’ve emerged, the beautiful butterfly, but I’m in no way “normal.” I’ve almost made my way out of the cocoon. I’m using my voice, and finding out that not everyone loves that. For a recovering people pleaser, I don’t know that it’ll be easy to fall out of the good graces of people I care about - but it’s become easier because I feel the immense peace that comes when I leave toxicity behind.

Instead of seeking control, I show up intentionally in my thoughts, words, and actions, and I allow the life that easily comes to me as a result of those intentional actions. This isn’t a perfect practice yet - and it may never be. One of the traumas I’m overcoming is the perfectionism I inherited, both genetically and spiritually. If things don’t go perfectly, instead of beating myself up over it, I ask myself what lesson the experience is trying to teach me - and I learn from it.

I’m putting myself in uncomfortable spaces, intentionally, with subjects that trigger me - and I’m doing so because I now have control of my emotional responses now. I understand that how I respond to a trigger is a reflection of a symptom in me that needs to be brought to the light - to be healed. I understand that there really is no good or bad situations - but that there are situations for us to examine what needs to be healed in us as individuals and as a collective.

Every movement I make as I ready myself to fully emerge from this chrysalis is feeding my wings, ready to emerge as a changed creature. One that I hope brings new perspectives, one that encourages people to find who they really are outside of who society, family, and religious circles tell them they need to be. I hope to encourage the misfits, the black sheep that you are created exactly the way you should have been, and that deep inside of you lives the courage to be seen as the fantastical unicorn that you are. I hope you find the courage to love all of you - the light, the dark, the quirkiness, the part of you that always questions.

You are brave. You are worthy. You are loved.

If you’re a woman who knows she’s meant to share her story to help make the changes she wants to see in the world, I work with women just like you. I help you navigate the maze to help you find the courage to use your voice. If you are ready to step into the vision you see is possible in your life - but you need someone to help guide you, I’ve helped hundreds of purposeful businesses develop strong marketing strategies that land them in front of their ideal audiences, and in front of the media. Feel free to follow me on Instagram and reach out via DM there to start the conversation about working together.